Sep 24, 2003
"I didn't pretend I understood you... so why do you pretend you understand me?"

Couldn't update yesterday, site was down. On Monday I had my purple belt test in TKD, got it, and then today I had to learn one of the new forms and crap like that. It was tiring and hard. I have a swollen foot. So far, I don't feel like facing tomorrow alone again.

There's this quote I really like: "Forever doomed to be alone with everyone else." People just pass me by and I keep walking, people just smile and glance once and I keep talking. Life is more tiring than class. Much. I'm finding myself surrounded by people that I can't say I really know, many of whom I couldn't see myself trusting in the least. I've given up on mankind... they can only bring you to hurt, and destruction... love... and pity. I'm just so tired of being dragged down like this.

If only I was blind to all the pain. If only I was something without feeling. Would it make me special, different, unique? Would I be anything if I wasn't myself? God yes. I'd have to be. I'd have to be something and I'd probably be everything is I wasn't I. Me. It. She. I know I could be thinner and prettier and smarter and more confident, but what the hell can really be changed? I'm sick!

"You lie for your own self-preservation,

Yet the rain goes on falling pure beautiful.

It splatters in the streets in pools of creativity.

I was never fast enough to catch it in time,

Still the rain falls down on my shoulders."

That's really all I have to say. Stuff isn't so lovely sometimes. I'll have to wait and see if I work up the courage to kill me, before they do. There's nothing they can do to me that I can't do smarter, faster, harder, and meaner. Book chat went somewhat well. Wish me luck, damn you. Adios.


 

Posted at 08:54 pm by Foxhop
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Sep 21, 2003
"Please hold on! We're experiencing some technical difficulties!"

My computer's been on the fuck. Kept getting this weird blue error screen any time I tried to do anything. X_x Parental Unit Father (PUF) uninstalled my Kazaa. I NEED my Kazaa. How else will I download 18 DDR songs at a time and listen to them obsessively? I must hear "Dream a Dream"... I muuusssst...

Speaking of Dance Dance Revolution though, I spent about an hour and a half... or two at the mall arcade yesterday playing. I spent a lotta money. Good thing I don't have a conscience or this'd come back to haunt me. I've just started out, and that was only my first time, so I went without my friends right when it was opening and managed to play without too many other people coming in and eyeing me. I know I suck. I almost fell off the side of the damned thing. -__- Couldn't pass a song to save my life, not even today when I spent ANOTHER hour and a half practicing. (And more money.)

"Dream a Dream" and "Moonlight Shadow" are my favorites, I'd love to get really good at them. But at this rate, I'll have sold my house and family just for a few more spins on the DDR machine.
*Shakes head* Haven't told Koko or Brennsi (Brenna) that I've tried it yet. Donno if I plan to. ^__^;; Not like I'm any better than when I hadn't even tried it! Well that's not true, I got about halfway through Dream a Dream before failing this time and if I hadn't run out of coins or people hadn't been lining up to play... I'd probably have fallen off and broken something... X_x

I have a devious plot to get myself a DDR Max 2 game (Even though I'm afraid the music'll be bad), two game pads, and hopefully before that --- a PS2 to run it! Ugh. I disgust myself. I don't even have a decent playstation and not nearly enough money for my plans. But God, how I want it. WANT IT! My Birthday is somewhat soon, October 27, so I'll probably just ask for a PS2 then and MAYBE the game. Maybe. It'd suck to play without the pads until Christmas though because all you'd use then is the controller and not actually have to... dance...

But lo. If I ask for the PS2 and game only, then maybe the Units will take pity on me and throw in some extra money, then I can buy MYSELF the two pads I so desperately desire. *Rambles on and on* I very much doubt this prospect. Even though the cost of PS2s are going down, it still ain't so low that it's inexpensive. Then there's the game. GRAT! *Shudders. Collapses* My brain hurts real good.

Perhaps that's because I had it smashed between a demonic ping pong table and my car earlier. That hurt quite a bit. Maybe I cracked my brain in the impact... And to add insult to injury, I had to help them set it up later. -.-+

Isabelle failed me. Nothing but clear skies and death by numbers all weekend. And now it's Sunday. Gosh Fuckit! This sucks. Tomorrow I have to do the dreaded book chat. But maybe at the end of the week I can have another trip to Swansea for some DDR practice. That'd be nice. God knows I need it...


Posted at 05:40 pm by Foxhop
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Sep 15, 2003
"Clean cotton is a homewarmer on wheels!"

All I can say is: Fuck the Free World.

Hurricane Isabelle is supposed to hit somewhere on the East Coast soon. South Carolina or something. Is South Carolina on the East Coast? o__o Even though all signs say it won't, I hope it comes here. I wouldn't mind my house being levelled, given I could rescue some stuff from it beforehand. Even a bit of storm backwash would be nice to lighten up this sad little existance. It's boring. Maybe if we get enough this Thursday school will be cancelled. I won't hold my breath. Because I'd, y'know, die.

I'm currently listening to "the freshmen" by the Verve pipe, good song, good band. Makes me feel kinda fluffy inside. Even if I DID just come home from Tae Kwon Do. I had this whole elaborate plan that involved falling asleep after school and hoping my mother would take pity enough to allow me to stay home. She didn't. I knew I couldn't trust to motherly instinct... But if she had any motherly instinct, I guess she'd have eaten me by now. o.o;

Me and Sara (To be called Koko from now on) met a very interesting guy named Wayne in computer today. He's very odd looking, with large pockets on his pants that he could seemingly fit anything into, but he likes FF 8. So there are a few kindred spirits out there. I was pleased to realize as much. "Wayne is God" apparently, so I felt inclined to worship him, even if he does whole-heartedly believe that freshmen suck. I agree. He's not very cute, but he's amusing.

Hail to the sun god. He's sure a fun god. Ra! Ra! Ra!

Mmph. Never is enough. School today sucked as usual, and tomorrow I have a B day, meaning Julie goes BOOM! CRASH! Splat. I don't want to go to English and feel like I have to do my damned book chat. I'll look like I want to, but not actually DO it... then pray for storm on Thursday to rescue me. That'd be damned cool. Eugh, I'm swamped with homework. And I haven't even had school yet. I just feel it in the air.

Played with a name analyzation thing today online. What's the site? Ehhh... Kabalarians.com. Yeas. My name, Julie was rather wrong, but because Koko got good results for everything, I tried some nicknames. They all came out somewhat close and I think I'll play with it summore before I go to sleep. I have nothing better to do, though I do have more important things. *Hangs my head* No one replied to my post and my house smells like garlic.

Boa Tarde, Boa Noite, Adeus. *Waves*

Posted at 08:50 pm by Foxhop
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Sep 10, 2003
"It turns and turns and rips you apart... welcome to the blender..."

Sorry about this, but I'm kinda washed up in a wave of self-pity. It's not a good feeling, being sorry for yourself, especially when you know you sure as hell have no reason for it. I'm just sick of being me... in fact I've been sick of myself for quite a while now. But without the proper distraction my entire method goes haywire, and here I am... this is what you get. A fly is following me all around the house and keeps coming around my head. I'd like to kill it. I wonder if it'd like to do the same to me.

The problem is that I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that people don't need me. I'm not needed by anyone for happiness. If I was to die this very moment, sure my family and friends would be sad for a while... "Oh what a tragedy!" "She was too young for an aneurism..." But God, it wouldn't last forever. No one would die of a broken heart, and no one cares enough to be broken at all. I get the feeling every day that I'm liked, but not loved. I'm afraid I'll never be loved.

There's this song lyric: "Distance grows with every breath we take". Maybe I'm imagining all this, I can't say I know my own head well enough to see how the wheel's been turning all this time. For some reason today I just feel utterly useless, disposable... None of my jokes are so great that no one else could pull them off, and none of my art enough to be remembered by. I won't be remembered.

I think someone told me at one time to be myself. I should have said then and there that I don't have any idea who I am. My face betrays me, I always look cold when I'm not... I seem cruel when I don't want to be... Don't worry if you were considering it, I'm sure I'll be okay tomorrow. I always am, but just thinking... how many more times can this shit hit the fan before the whole damned thing explodes?

"Blow up the outside world" By Soundgarden:
{Nothing seems to kill me, no matter how hard I try
Nothing is closing my eyes
Nothing can beat me down for your pain or delight, no
And nothing seems to break me
No matter how far I fall, nothing can break me at all
Not one for giving up, though not invincible I know

Ive given everything I need
Id give you everything I own
Id give in if it could at least be ours alone
Ive given everything I could
To blow it to hell and gone
Burrow down in and
Blow up the outside 
Blow up the outside 
Blow up the outside world

Someone tried to tell me something
Dont let the world bring you down
Nothing can do me in before I do myself
So save it for your own and the ones you can help

Ive given everything I need
Id give you everything I own
Id give in if it could at least be ours alone
Ive given everything I could
To blow it to hell and gone
Burrow down in and
Blow up the outside 
Blow up the outside 
Blow up the outside world

Want to make it understood
Wanting though I never would
Trying though I know its wrong
Blowing it to hell and gone
Wishing though I never could
Blow up the outside 
Blow up the outside 
Blow up the outside 
Blow up the outside world}


Posted at 09:01 pm by Foxhop
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Sep 9, 2003
"I'm not listening... I'm not listening..."

Gah! GAAAH! No, that's not right. It's more like: GAH! There. I feel better now. *Deep breath in* *Exhale* Jeesas. Well I suppose there's not much to talk about... I spent an uneventful day at school, the lowlight of that being me finding sausage on the supposedly mini cheese pizza I had bought and having to eat it minus... everything... to spare me money and meat eating. Death to all infidels! I'm tired. Very tired. But again the plot is in motion to get to the mall. I doubt it'll work, but still, what else can I do but pretend it might just? P'raps we can go to Hollister while there and I can deafen myself standing next to the music speakers.

Tomorrow is a test...thing on the Ties that Bind, the Ties that break. That odd little summer reading book about Chinese foot binding. I hate disecting reading. And now I get to write an essay on it! Woohoo! I have no idea how long its meant to be and don't really know my topic. o__o Poor planning is the Devil's workshop, or so they said yesterday. Still craving jewelry and clothes... jewelry and clothes... Ew, I'm turning into such a girl. *Collapses*

TKD tomorrow, and even more practice to make me worse than before. I have a headache, oo! But guess what? I got one of the posts done. *Gasp from the back row* It's very long, so I'm semi-proud of myself... even if I have another one to write and more drawings to do and studying and music learning and crap like that. Is it adding up on my head or is this just me? I don't need no book learning. Damn them and their rose colored shades!


 
Well.. yeah, I always knew I was Dr. Pepper AKA Mr. Pibb. Though I wasn't aware I was self absorbed. I thought I was everyone else absorbed... Hm. Today in the hallways I tried to say hello to everyone I knew. Not even half of them said it back. Really tells you something about the world don't it? *Shakes head* Sorry this is short, but there's nothing much going on. Ciao!  


Posted at 08:50 pm by Foxhop
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Sep 8, 2003
"That was below the belt. Like, in the knee region..."

I've decided that most of my immense physical anguish is brought on by my own dysfunctional mind. o.o I'm a freak like that. Anyway, somehow I got it in my head that I want an ear cuff... and seeing as how I don't have the normal region of my ears pierced for fear of needles, blood loss and slow agonizing death... I'm left to wonder how I'd deal with the obviously greater pain in getting my cartilage stabbed with a needle. Ah, the things we do for the twisted views of beauty. Tasted like sugar before I added the arsenic...

Hm. No, didn't get those posts done. I'm such an underachiever, but that's okay! I've become immune to the wrenching agony of breaking MORE promises to myself! *Points at my three written pages of one of them* But Mother Dear! I ALMOST amounted to something... It ain't good enough even for me. I would like to tear these pages up and scatter them to the wind in pure defiance. =__= Get the hell away from my berries.

Goodie goodie! I might be able to hang out with my friends at the mall this weekend. Maybe. Probably not. And they're so much better and cooler and smarter and prettier and more confident than me that the whole buisness either leaves me sugar high or depressed. But then, that's normal for my life isn't it? But I need more jewelry and glitsy things of shine to keep me from going insane. So... malls have upsides.

I've decided also not to plaster stuff all over my binder tonight (which means I'll never do it), or practice my note cards (which also means I'll never do it). Funny how I keep deciding things in all these blogs. Jeesas. And here I've always had the sneaking suspicion that I was a creature of utter indecision. If that rhyms I'll break my neck. Miao.

Meh. Just came home from TKD again, where I'm getting worse due to practice and tirednesss. The brown belt I fought against at one point was either deranged, stupid, or stoned. Perhaps all three, though I believe that might be a feat even for him... I have a thesis! THESIS! Dr. Pepper was originally Mr. Pibb before he earned his PHD and changed his name. Now he's Pibb Pepper. Love him well.

Good song, You need to see the lyrics here: "Haze" By Dishwalla
{Untie
The hands that bind your mind
And be nice
She put a gun against her ear
Inside
Against a gin and tonic sky
Shes a star
She finds a place to lose her pain

Caged as she waits inside
Hate and she wants to die
And she wants, and she wants to live

Deny
The problem never catches light
Rewind
She pours herself some self respect

Caged as she waits inside
Hate and she wants to die
And she wants, and she wants to live
She wants, she wants to live
She wants
She wants, she wants to live
Away from this haze
Away back from this haze

Still shes caged as she waits inside
Hate and she wants to die
And she wants, and she wants to live
She wants to live
Caged as she waits inside
Hate and she wants to die
Get me back from this haze
Get me back from this haze
Get me back from this haze}

Peace out, Babe.


Posted at 09:04 pm by Foxhop
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Sep 7, 2003
"I never promised you a rose garden. I never promised you perfect justice."

So, I've pretty much set my blog update schedule. Five days a week, off on Friday and Saturday. X_x And that's on a good week. Don't say I didn't warn ye my pretties! Just spent a few hours messing with my note cards for English class. I really don't want to get up there and talk in front of people... I don't really consider myself quiet in school, I just don't have any motivation to speak up generally. I'm that girl in the back writing or drawing stuff that gives nightmares to people who ask to see it. No fluffy unicorns, no siree. Not that I have anything against unicorns.... o.o;;

Picking books apart like this takes the magic out of reading. Why can't we just enjoy it for what it is, interpret it as we do, and leave it at that? Why? Because you have stupid people in your classes and the teachers need to make sure they understand the goddamn reading. Maybe I should stop referring to God in my swears, I really don't believe in him anymore. Not sure I ever did. My hour in church this morning was spent getting some inspiration talking to my imaginary wolf character StormWind (In my head mind you, no reason to draw intention to the abnormal.). He's onea' my favorite RPG characters I ever made, and because they're all sort of based off me... Storm's all my best traits rolled up into a sweet-flirtatious-witty-strong(mentally and physically)-amiable-caring-and commitment scared male wolf. I just have a very active imagination when I'm that bored, I bet you would too. =__=

The inspiration was for my lack of caring anymore. I'm currently a part of a Zoids RPG called Metal Machine Music , a spin off the show and a land full of damned cool people and great RPing. But there's another aspect, battling, Zoid fights that run within AIM. I have no motivation to fight, my record is nill, and I pretty much beat myself up over it. Also, my character within the game is horrible. I enjoy seeing her in pain (which happens often because she so mentally estranges herself from everyone), and can't really connect with her like with my other characters from the past. To sum it up, I don't like her, and it usually saps the fun out of doing threads with people in the forums.

Then there's the fact that certain powerful people on the site believe it's dieing, and are calling for help from us littleuns to give suggestions about saving it. That's mainly the cause of my concern. I don't really have an opinion about the issue, though it would suck to see MMM gone, I'm not sure I'd really care too much in the long run. I have another RPG fighting for my full attention as its just gotten on its feet and needs my support as the first character besides the founder having joined. It's really quite sad, I love MMM and I love the people, but like in an old relationship... the fondness is there, but the fire is going gone. Someone save me, please. I miss the fire. X_x It was good stuff.

Pah, baka. On a lighter note I spent yesterday cleaning out the pond in my backyard and looking for cracks on the bottom, then filling it back up and putting the fish in. Now THAT was fun. I've always wanted to spend my day off standing in fish feces. =^__^= Miao. So far, I'm feeling a little jealous of my friends, a little sad, and a little like I should go lay on the couch and watch cartoons for the rest of the day. I wish we had ice cream so I could just binge eat. This is the problem with the world, if people weren't meant to get fat, why do we always have the urge to binge eat when things go bad?

I really need to go take care of this book report. There's practicing and timing to be done... damn that. It's so unglorified and so unbeautiful. Then I need to write two super long posts for my RPGs or feel the wrath of my self-hate. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get me out of this rut, do comment. If anyone's reading anyway... *Picks up my note cards, drags my wounded self into the shadows* Quick! Before my point gets away! Adios... Mrrph, sorry about the bad spelling. No time or care left to check it over.

Posted at 03:42 pm by Foxhop
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Sep 4, 2003
"Empty words, empty warnings. That's all they'll ever say..."

Today was very, interesting... I'm tired, bored, but most of all... swamped. There's a lot to do and no motivation to do it. *Points at the empty motivation jar* See? Empty. I only had two full classes today because my mother dragged me out in the middle for a Doctor's appointment. I think they need to trust that when I tell them I'm perfectly fine, I am. School physicals suck. But doctor's are worse. +__+

I missed getting my World Cultures book, and at the end of the day when I went for it the teacher had gone out sick. So Julie thinks: Well...damn. And leaves with my sister for a ride. That was a load of crap, teachers can't get sick when you need them to be unsick. -.- This society has fatal flaws. It must be abolished at all costs. Revolution is on hand! Who's with me?! o.o You suck.

I have a stand-up-and-talk-in-front-of-the-class-because-we-hate-you type project. Thing. I hate talking in front of groups of people... I suppose I should put presenting off as long as possible and then get wired on caffeine before hand. The teacher lets us have soda and stuff in the class. One small truimph = we'll be paying for it in blood later.

It's friggin' hot in this house. I think I'll melt. And what's even screwier is that we've been having loads of rain... I hate it when it's rainy and yet clammy. That's just... bad. It should be gooood raaain. Normal rain people unite! *Plays "Charlie Brown's Parents" by Dishwalla to tame the wild beast.* I don't understand either.

So, anyway. Even though day A is technically my almost easy day, I actually have stuff to do. Crap. Crap I say! I need to go keep my parental unit's from being cruel and more unusual than normal. O_o Don't hold dinner, Babe.


Who's Your Anime Boyfriend?

Mrrrr. Aoshi... Well the results aren't COMPLETELY true, but hey. If I had a few minutes alone with Lord Aoshi... *Shakes head violently* Ehh, ehehehe! Signing out! o__o;;;


Posted at 08:31 pm by Foxhop
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Sep 3, 2003
"But the cellophane wrapping is the best part!"

Hmm. Home from second day of school. A little tired, a little wired. A little... conspired, not really desired, but very very expired. Not so sad as yesterday, not so happy as last month. So here I am listening to "All on Black" by Alkaline Trio. Good song, I recommend in case you care. o.o Great band, very emo.

I spent the day going to my classes, which ones you can refer to the earlier entry to figure out. It was tiring, and boring. My locker wouldn't open for anyone, most certainly not me. As a result I spent my day carrying around things I had absolutely no need of... anyway, by the end I got it opened by a friend and managed to dump some of my stuff. I'm being smart today, I didn't close it all the way so I won't have to unlock it. X_x Someone's gonna steal all my stuff...

Cherry pepsi is a good soda. Not as good as Cherry Coke, but I have a feeling that that was discontinued... maybe they found out it was eroding people's organs. Sorta like Mr. Pibb, minus the organ erosion. But that's not as good as Dr. Pepper or Canada dry. You see, I can talk about pretty much anything. It's not a very useful skill.

*Writhes, sings along to the song.* I have Tae Kwon Do again tonight. I think I'll die this time. I don't wanna go in case that's what's making me suck... practice... It would be just the thing to ruin my life! &(*&#$@!*( #!!&. Hm. Too late. |)|-|34R //4|-| //40 133+ 5|<I!115!


What Forest Creature Are You?

UPDATE: No class tonight. Grandmother is visiting and keeps my parental unit from being a bitch. ^_~ Thank God for small blessings, ne?


Posted at 04:32 pm by Foxhop
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Sep 2, 2003
"And the world began to cry for us..."

First day of school has come and gone. Not much to say about it... It started tiring, got odd, got boring, became even more tiring... I'm a little confused to say the least. I followed this screwed up little map all around the school to meet teachers in classes that were even more screwed up. Let's hear it for the rainbow children! It was raining like hell earlier; I think the atmosphere was wishing us bad luck.

 

However, I managed to make it through relatively unscathed, and this was only the trial-freshmen-only day! Tomorrow the real fun begins! I'd like to see any upper classmen cross me. They'd get a kick in the ass. X_x Not a good mood, not a good day. I can't imagine how this crap'll affect me once the actual work begins. My brain is too rotten for school... At least the majority of my teachers seem decent, and I have a grand total of four periods over two days  in the company of friends. Go me. I think they separated me from my posse early to break my spirit. o_o I never knew I had one to begin with...

 

We have a block schedule, meaning the classes are assigned a number (1-8) and a day (A or B); tomorrow is A, which has numbers 1-4. In this order I've got: Art 1 (teacher who tries too hard), Algebra 1 (teacher who's just a plain old bitch), Lunch (pretty much alone on day A), Study (quiet kills), And Microsoft office. That's my favorite because I sit next to my best friend Sara and have a nice teacher. HE doesn't care if you're a little late... -__-;

 

All in all, I can't really complain. *Goes over what I just wrote* Seems like I actually can! Jesus. Still waiting for life to look up. It sucks to be so unhappy so regularly... though it feels unnatural whenever I'm anything else. Lord, what fools these mortals be. I need caffeine. Lots of caffeine. Give it to me.

 

Anyway, I just came home from Tae Kwon Do which I have two or three times a week, and where I just worked my ass off only to realize I seem to be getting worse at everything. o.o Maybe I shouldn't think about these things so much... it only serves to bring pain and anguish to a life that can't handle much more. As much as I dislike exerting myself without proper reason, at least the exercise helped to work off the STRESS that's already building up. And this is only the first day. O_o

Driving home we (Mother and I) stopped at a hardware store. In the parking lot there was a police guy playing with the lights and stuff on his car, then went about inspecting a parked and empty car (a really nice red one) like it was stuffed with drugs. Seems kinda screwy that drug dealers can afford to buy nice cars and still manage to kill people. That hardly seems fair. Maybe I should deal drugs. Ehhh... Ciao?

Posted at 09:08 pm by Foxhop
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Miss Julie, AKA Foxhop. Living in disliked world. Doomed. Scorpio. Lonely. Bipolar-esque mood jumps. Vegetarian. Hater. Fighter. Defiant. Giving. Too trusting. Naive. Confident/unconfident. Artist. Crazy bordering psychotic. Writer.... Me in a nut shell. Don't let it scare you too much. The name, Marigolds and Malice comes from my moods basically. Marigolds for the moments of sublime, sugar-high happiness... Malice for the dark clouds ever looming on the horizon.

   


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